Ooooof worst night of sleep ever. Just couldn't get comfortable. I think I need to go to the Chiro again next week and have her do a full workover on me. My hips and shoulders need tweaking. They're sore as fuck, especially my hips.
Work was fine. I spent the whole morning writing a response to A (OKC guy). Our messages are getting longer and longer. Like obscenely long. I'm just gunna give him my email or something. It's fun writing to him. I guess I'll just kinda let that go where it goes. If he does ask me out some time, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's worth a shot if we get along this well so far.
I have my Notary class tomorrow. That'll be tiring and boring. But then I'm having a girls night with Victoria that I am super excited for.
Guess I'll try to head to bed. Hope to shit I sleep better. I gotta be up at 6. Ughhhhhhh.
Oh man work was nuts. Melinda gave her notice and cried a lot. Kris came over and was ready to punch his manager in the face (not really, but the manager treats him like crap so I get it), so I talked him off that ledge and he gave me a big hug (he and I have this weird flirt friendship thing, fine by me, he's just as frigin hell). Patty is gunna train me to take over some of Melindas stuff. And Grace wants to train me to be Jolene's back up. So more work for me. Also coordinating job interviews to replace Melinda, which I love doing. I love doing interviews.
Came home and had a skype date with Jem to watch Dr Who
Took a shower. Had dinner. Did my homework which was frustrating. Gotta get next weeks done ASAP. It's only two questions thankfully. Ima take it to work tomorrow and try to get some done if I have time. Painted my nails tonight.
I'll take better pics tomorrow once I clean them all up. Gotta remember to do a top coat. Whoops. I always forget that part.
Jem is pulling an all nighter to study so we had a spa night, lol.
Super duper attractive. My nose is now freakishly smooth.
I miss having Jem around all the time. She had a key to our apartment and would just come over whenever and lay around. I miss that kind of friendship. I don't have anyone here like that. Barely have any friends anyway.
Don't know what to do about OKC dude. He's like perfect on paper (35, Stanford degree, career he loves, no debt, own apartment I think), but in picture, nope. And I don't think I'm ready yet to even try dating. I know he's interested and kinda wants to know where I'm at, though he hasn't directly asked me out, so I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But I like messaging with him, even though it's once a day. He's funny and we seem to have similar personalities. But I'm not really interested in him that way, I guess. Idk. Ugh. I should go back to being a hermit. It's been 7 weeks since the breakup today. Such a bummer that I lost him and all his friends and activities. Ugh.
Gunna sign off texting with Jem and go to bed. I'm exhausted.
Fairly busy day at work thankfully. Got to run to the post office, so I stopped at Starbucks on my way back.
My friend at work Melinda told me the secret that she got a new job and will be leaving in less than two weeks. Major bummer but I'm super happy for her, since the job is like $4 more per hour than she's making now. So that'll be bittersweet having her leave. No more walking buddy.
Ran a bunch of errands with mom. Stopped at the Disney Store. Scored two awesome Vinylmation traders in their trade box. Prince from Sleeping Beauty and Charles Muntz from Up. I'll keep Muntz but trade Prince. Bought a Pixar Villains vinyl blind box,
Scored Hopper from Bugs Life.
I picked up Captain America and Captain America Winter Soldier at Target.
Chris Evans yummmmm!
We ran errands. Came home. Made BBQ pulled chicken sandwiches for dinner. Watched TV. I wrote back to the guy on OKC I've been messaging with. Says his name is Antwon, which is short for Anthony somehow. Idk he hasn't explained that. He's funny. So it's nice to have someone to message with. I told him I wasn't ready for anything other than a new friendship, though I know he's kind of interested in me. But I don't need more than that right now.
A few meetings at work tomorrow. That'll be good. I gotta finish my homework, which is basically impossible to do. Hopefully I can bullshit something half decent atleast.
A lovely busy work day for once. Meeting. Job interview. Worked on snooping through blueprints today.
Gotta do my homework at work tomorrow. Boooo.
Messaged a little more with the guy on OKC. We click well and seem very similar......but he's pretty damn not attractive. Think the ugly cousin of Samwell Tarly, who even I think is kind of boyishly cute. But no. This guy is definitely no. But he's super nice and friendly and easy to talk to. And that says a lot in my book. So I'm happy continuing to message with him and be friends. I'm not ready for anything other than friends right now. I can always go for new friends anyway. I don't have a lot of guy friends.
The moon is pretty amazing tonight, it's so light outside!
One of our neighbors is playing Radiohead "Hail to the Thief" loudly. This makes me insanely happy.
Well.... didn't do a whole lot today. Ran errands with mom. Got the rest of the leftover bridal shower stuff returned, and some strapless bras I got to try that didn't fit right. Did a little cleaning around the house. Still need to fluff then fold my laundry (I am so lazy ugh).
So I decided I was bored enough and started on Plenty of Fish and OKCupid. Not actually looking to go on any dates any time soon. But I'm bored enough to get it started. It puts me in a good mood. It sure worked out last time I did that. So we'll see. I did find one guy right away who is pretty cute and lists "theme parks, Halloween, Christmas" among his interests. Uh, hello soul mate, when can we get married?! LOL
God I hope I can avoid anyone with J names, especially ones whose legal name is James. I've had enough James' in my life. Way too many. Ugh. Such a nice name though.
So I guess I'll be puttering around on there for awhile now. We'll see how that goes.
Oh, and Marco invited me to go to Vegas with him at the end of October. Very very very bad idea. Tempting. But bad idea. Not quite sure on the details, like if I would get my own room or we'd share. Kinda don't want to ask. Bad bad bad idea. Me and Marco being alone with any amount of alcohol would end in some level of adultery, basically. Especially now that I am love-starved and sex-deprived. OMG I miss sex, someone please have sex with me, I miss penis. LOL. I am a crazy person. A crazy person who very very much needs to get laid. I wish I had it in me to do the casual sex thing, but it's SO not me. I'm so emotional and clingy, lol. I can't even imagine just like meeting someone and hooking up. Never done that. I mean, Jimmy and I atleast knew each other like a week or two before we had sex. And that worked out pretty well. And I was pretty sure about him right away, so it wasn't that surprising. But I don't know how to casually date or hook up. I've never really dated before. Jimmy was the first guy I literally dated, and we basically only got past date two before becoming gf/bf. So fuck. I am so not looking forward to trying to date again. UGH.
Hopefully this work week is productive. I have meetings scheduled Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So that'll be good. Gotta do my homework at work. Which will be partially difficult because we discovered tonight that one of our readings was satire. We don't know if the teacher knows this, as all the homework questions are serious about it as if it's truthful. We don't quite know how to answer it. Answer it with the knowledge it's satire, or answer it as if it was a legit anthropological study. We're betting that we're the only ones in the class who figured out it's satire (really, my brother googled it, but now it makes total sense). UGH. Stupid class.
Woke up early. Got lots done. Showered. Ran errands.
My just keep swimming bracelet finally came.
Car selfie because good hair, lol.
We went over to my aunts house for my uncles birthday. It was a blast. And by blast I mean, I got drunk. And my family is insanely fun.
We played an Apples to Apples like game, but all about my uncle. It was very silly. I was a little too drunk and wrote the wrong word down a few times, so I lost, lol. I was barely drunk, but as I don't drink hardly ever, alcohol makes me instantly silly. 2 large vodka raspberry lemonades was plenty for me. I must start doing that regularly.
After, my brother and I stayed and watched some game of thrones with my aunt and cousin. They're getting my aunt caught up. In middle of season 2 now. They're supposed to call me to come over for the black water and finale episodes. So good! The very skiddish kitty came and sat with me on the couch, she's so soft, like a bunny rabbit.
Work was work. I cleaned the fridge and freezer in the breakroom
There was was shit from 2008. Good god. So fucking gross.
I've been watching My Name is Earl. It's amazing.
Lol! Love the freeze frame. And Judy Greer. She's awesome.
Just kind hung out and did nothing all night.
Oh, I emailed my doctor about my insomnia (I totally don't know why I didn't realize that I basically have insomnia). She was kind of unhelpful and just recommended their online sleep health course thing. It's supposed to be 6 weeks. I'm supposed to keep a sleep journal. That shit ain't gunna last. I won't remember. But I guess I should try it. I don't have trouble getting to sleep, but staying asleep and not waking up well before I'm supposed to. It's bad. I'm really sick of it. I miss sleeping in on weekends. I haven't been able to since I moved home over a year ago. It sucks.
Might try to find a jeweler to take my ring to tomorrow. I think I'll use two of the diamonds and then buy an amethyst or something and make a ring out of it. It would probably mean me not wearing one of the two rings I regularly wear now. I basically always wear at least two. It had been his two rings, but those went away. Now it's my usual black hills gold rose ring from North Dakota, and my swirled ring with a little jeweled Mickey head from Disneyland. I may try to order the ring to fit my left middle finger. Have to see what size I am. A 9 I think. I have fat fingers. Which reminds me that I need to paint my nails. What colors should I do? Gotta do at least 2 colors like usual.
Hopefully I can sleep in a little in the morning. Wish me luck.
Work was fairly productive. Tomorrow should be fine. I'm going to clean the fridge/freezer in the breakroom. I put up notice that everyone has to get rid of their stuff or label it. Everything else I'm throwing in the trash. It'll be great, lol.
Grabbed Taco Bell on my way home for dinner. class was fine. Super boring. She's unorganized. It bothers me. Whatever. Gunna bring my school stuff to work and hopefully get it started tomorrow. That's easier.
Felt okay today till now. Just saw an actress on a lifetime movie commercial from the show we used to watch with his friends. That they're all still watching without me I'm sure. Wish I could tell them she's in this movie. But whatever.
Tomorrow night I need to do laundry. And then sort clothes. I'm going to get rid of all the shirts he got me, and the little Pop figures (Tyrion and Leia). I just want them all gone. A full purge.
Also I've been thinking of doing something with the diamonds from my engagement ring from Jack. It has three lovely small diamonds. Obviously I don't want to wear the ring again, and I don't want to get rid of it. Maybe I could have the diamonds made into a necklace or something. I should take it to a jeweler to get appraised. I know it's only worth a few hundred bucks. But I love it and don't want to get rid of it. I just texted Jack to ask if that's okay, though he doesn't really have a say. The ring is mine. Guess I'll ask mom what she thinks I could do with them, and look for a jeweler in the area. I haven't looked at the ring in months. I miss wearing it, I loved wearing a diamond ring. I was really hoping I would get to again shortly. But that was not in the cards sadly. I secretly always hoped he would ask me on Christmas, I would love that, that would make me so insanely happy. Best Christmas gift ever. Just not in the cards for me,
Gosh they are smaller than I remember. But I love my little ring, only diamonds I've ever owned and probably will for a very long time. I want to make them into something that makes me happy. I'll see if my mom has any other stones I could make into a ring with them. That would be nice. I've got a ruby ring that is so small it barely fits on my pinky from my great aunt. I hope it's a ruby at least. Hmm. Gotta ask my mom.
Too tired to post much. Went to sleep late and woke up an hour before my alarm. I'm having a really hard time staying asleep. I haven't been woken up by my alarm in a very long time. Had a total breakdown this morning before work. I miss that life I had. This current one basically sucks. I don't like it. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't have hobbies. I don't have friends that do anything or include me. I don't know what to do. It completely sucks.
Got home. Took a shower. Like the new shower head. Mom and I went to Target, then Kohls (got two new tops for $22). Then went to Costco for muffins and milk. Home and I've just been puttering on my iPad all night. I'm insanely sore today. My ankles, hands, and feet just ache. Tempted to go shell out money for a mani pedi just for the massage.
I gotta talk to my friend Adrienne about being my personal trainer once or twice a week. I think she'd be good at it and prolly be down for a little extra money. Excited that my uncle will be here this weekend. Love him.
Gunna go brush my teeth before I completely collapse. Maybe I'll try Zzzquil tonight and see if it takes the edge off and let's me sleep through the night. I'm falling asleep no problem, but I wake up a few times and then I wake up way too early and can't fall back asleep. I need my rest, and my body won't let me get it, so frustrating,
Fairly productive work day. Working more on the cubicles project. Need to get that rolling. I had the idea last night of getting mom an iPad. Best Buy had the mini on a super good sale for $200. So after work I went to my chiropractor appointment which was great. My neck was subluxated again like usually so she worked on my neck and head for awhile. Chatted about love. She and her husband have been together almost 30 years. They got married 3 months after they met. She's from the Philippines and he's a New York Jew. What a match! Lol! She was so nice and encouraging. Worked on my hands and wrists too. Which need a lot more work. They're kind of constantly sore. My neck is a bit sore now, but she had to do a lot of work on it to get everything back in place. Hopefully that fixes my morning sickness too. (My neck problems create morning sickness, for lack of a better term. It's so annoying.)
Ran to Best Buy, thankfully they had a few left! Ran to Target for a case but didn't find the right one, so I picked one and she can exchange it.
She loved it. Cried. So excited. So I got it all set up. She hasn't explored it much but I'll show her more tomorrow. She's not tech savvy at all, so it's pretty foreign.
Puttered around the house. Dad broke the shower head so uh my plans for washing my hair went out the window, lol. Whatevs. He'll have it fixed tomorrow.
My poor sunburnt chest and neck are so itchy. It's hella annoying! I had to put on a tshirt so I would stop scratching it.
Spent the whole night texting with Jem and chatting with Jesse (yay new friends!).
Random observation: two thirds of the people in my life have named that begin with J. Apparently I attract J people. J and A. Every guy I've ever liked or even just been friends with has had a J or A name. What the fuck. I need to avoid that next time. I may have to put that in an online dating profile. "Those with J names need not apply". #seriousnotserious
Gunna finish up my guilty pleasure TV viewing (Duggars are back tonight yayyyyy lol). Then sleep time. Gotta remember to do my homework tomorrow night. Oh joy. Maybe I'll take it to work to do. Don't wanna do my actual work so hopefully I can sneak in some homework time.
Did some homework reading. Got our stuff together and mom and I went over to Grandmas for a quick visit. Then went over to hang out with my moms best friend who is puppy sitting for her parents while they're out of town.
This is Penny.
Cutest corgi omg.
I miss him tonight. I miss his friendship. I miss my best friend. It's hard not being able to talk to him. I really miss his friendship. I guess I should go on my phone and delete our texts. I know it'll free up a lot of space on my phone but it's sad. I miss him. Crying alone every night sucks.
We're going whale watching tomorrow morning. That'll be fun.
Guess I'm gunna go cry a little more then go to bed. Gotta be up extra early tomorrow.
Work was actually good today. Kept busy all day. People gave me stuff to do. It was great. I got to make travel arrangements for Bill, who I adore. I Have a Southwest drink coupon somewhere that I'm gunna give him.
Prepped bridal shower stuff. Signs, cards, favors. Ugh. And we still have so much to do in the morning. Fuckkkkk.
We went to see Ghostbusters in theaters tonight. Don't think I'd ever seen it. Gotta say, it's pretty boring. Funny jokes but otherwise kinda boring.
It was an almost empty theater n I sat in the back. So I used my phone. Sue me. It was so boring.
Texted with Farrah on the way home. She has to buy a snow machine for a bridal shower.
We are hilariously faux-racist with each other. Also discussed just becoming lesbians since guys aren't working out for us. But neither of us have any interest in the V. I'm all for boobs, but meh otherwise. Also decided I'm not allowed to date anyone with an A or a J name. Every guy I've ever liked since the history of forever has started with an A or a J. Makes no sense, 3 guys named James (though all went by nicknames). Nope. Must stop that. Need something different. That shit obviously is not working out.
I was sitting on the floor tying the tags on the sunflower seed packets when a giant fuckin spider crawled out of the wad of raffia. Eeek. My mom was like "damn you move fast when motivated!" Yucky!
So tired. Guess I'll head to bed. I don't even know what time I'm going to be up and running errands tomorrow morning. I won't even have time to look remotely cute. Whatever. Ugh.
Work was all over the place. Kaji had me work in the warehouse for a bit which was great cuz I got to sit with Ro (who I totes had a sex dream about last night, OOOOPS. Hard to see him today and not think of how I was dreaming about kissing his chest, etc etc, lol). But Jane says since I'm not coded for the warehouse I can't sit out there. Which is hella dumb, Printed all my school materials at work, booyah for free printing.
Rushed home, took a super quick shower since my hair was grodey. Threw on a little makeup and left my hair messy and down.
Nerdiness. And green hair on display, lol.
So class was fine, it'll be fine. I take insane notes, so my hand hurts.
I gotta remember to call the chiropractor tomorrow and go in after work. Wanna have her work on my hands too. They ache a lot. And I think my neck is out again. I'm waking up nauseous.
Watching Project Runway.
Love his silly back feet.
Gotta do a ton of bridal shower prep tomorrow night. Eek!
I ran into a site today called MantraBands. Simple bracelets with positive mantras on them. I ordered a silver one that says "everything happens for a reason". Can't wait to wear that every day. I like all their bracelets and sayings. $25 with free shipping, not bad at all. I'll prolly order more.
First day at work after my huge project. It went okay. Puttered around. Got signed up for the Notary class. I'm going to become the notary public for the company, they're paying for everything. Plus I can do the notary thing outside of work and charge for that. Might as well. I let a few of the shorthanded managers know that I'm available to help, so they each had me do a few little short tasks. Hopefully they keep giving me stuff. Printed out the Notary handbook so I can start going through that and highlighting stuff.
Ran a ton of errands with mom. Got caught by the super fucking hot Greenpeace guy outside Trader Joes. He coulda sold ice to an Eskimo. And was insanely hot. He tried damn hard, but they want a monthly commitment and that's a lot of money. But man was he cute as shit. Woowee.
Got another new bra at Target. So now I have a black and a tan one in my new size. Wooooo!
Now I really need to sort my bras. I have wayyyyy too many. Holy crap.
Start school tomorrow night. Gunna have to get home from work, change, eat, and get my binder together and then go. All in like 30 mins. Yikes. It'll be weird to go to school again. Weird weird weird.
I've got to start trying to be more positive. My nature is to be so negative. So so negative. I've spent the last year working on being more positive (with his encouragement of course, but I've always known I needed to work on it). I'm trying not to lose sight of all the positivity I learned. But it's like trying to swim upstream against raging rapids. Fight and fight and fight and I feel like I go nowhere. But I guess I have to keep trying to stay positive. I ordered a bracelet on Etsy that says Just Keep Swimming. So until I get my tattoo I'll wear it 24/7 to remind myself. I gotta check if she shipped it yet. Hope it comes soon. I like having the reminder right there. On my wrist. Can't wait for that tattoo. Once I get through all this and feel levelheaded again, I'll go get it.
I gotta just keep swimming.
Gunna watch the end of The Internship, play on the iPad and go to sleep.
Had my last therapy appointment. It was emotional. I don't feel that great. Nothing is really progressing. So I don't know if I want to look for a new therapist (Annie's residency is over), or not bother. I like going and it makes me feel like I'm being proactive about myself, but I don't think there's really anything I am getting out of it that I don't already know are things I need to work on. And I just cry through the appointment. Which isn't terribly productive. I do enough of that at home.
Finished up my huge project at work. Spent the afternoon texting with Jenee. We live far apart but I adore her. She's such a good friend.
Really far apart :x
I'm almost done with Psych so I switched to watching Sister Wives, lol. Guilty pleasure.
Came home and had a skype date with Jem to watch the new Doctor Who episode.
We're super attractive. I liked the episode. I think Capaldi will bring something really new and fun to the doctor. I'm excited for it. This is the first real "new" season I've been watching live after catching up on the whole series. So that's fun.
Had dinner. Did laundry. Watched some shows.
My friend Zoe texted me that she and her boyfriend broke up. For basically the same reasons as I'm going through. So we've been texting all night long, bitching and sympathizing. She just sent me this.
So fucking true. I don't even know if that guy exists. I'm afraid he doesn't. I posted that on Facebook/Instagram anyway, with full knowledge that he and all his friends will see it. Ha.
It's warm tonight and I just folded a bunch of hot laundry. Ew.
We've been watching Face Off all night. Cool show about makeup. They did a Wizard of Oz/Wonderland mashup that's super cool!
Guess I gotta to into work tomorrow and try to be as positive as possible. My first day in weeks back to my normal work routine. Which is basically sitting at my desk alone for 8 hours. Really unhappy about it, but I gotta do it. I'm hoping people will have stuff I can help them with. I need to start talking to Heather again about applying at Google. And look into other big companies on my own. I need something new and challenging, and with people my own age. I don't have anyone I can really connect with at work, and I need to be around people I can better connect with. So work isn't so miserable. Trying to be positive is hard.
I had to spend the day repeating this to myself. I can and I will get through the day. I got through it. Hard hard day. Almost done with my project, which is scary. That means I have to go back to sitting at my desk in the lobby. This kinda scares me. I spent almost 10 months siting there, on my computer, chatting with him all day long. I just don't want to sit there anymore. I overheard Chris talking to Jessie and it kind of sounds like Chris may try for Phils job. If he does, that'll leave domestic sales a person short. Depending how that works out, I may ask about going over there. I need to move up in the company and I'm not being used where I am. I like everyone in domestic and they all like me. So I'll just have to listen to hear if anything happens there.
Really liked the True Blood finale.
Rushed home to watch the Emmys, which were really fun.
We have a hawk that was prowling the backyard.
I have my last therapy appointment tomorrow at 9am, so I get to sleep in an extra hour and go late to work. Gunna take my sweet ass time, since I so don't wanna be at work. I'll prolly just end up sobbing through the appointment again.
I realized today why it was so easy for me to slip into his life. When I was growing up and all through high school, I had a big group of friends that I would hang out with all together regularly. And since high school ended, I haven't had that. He has multiple groups of friends like that. That all do stuff together as a group. I have different friends, but very rarely do I see any as a group. I miss that group dynamic. Being surrounded by a whole group of friends to laugh with and hang out with. I miss that. It was so great with him, I fit in decently with his friend groups. I miss that a lot. I wish I had that on my own. But I don't. None of my friends mix together. It really sucks. I miss the group dynamic. I don't know how to find it again.
Guess I'm just gunna play on my iPad n go to bed later. Jem and I are supposed to skype watch the new Doctor Who tomorrow night. I haven't watched it yet. Having a hard time watching it, since he and I were so looking forward to it together. Whatever.. Ugh.
Watched Galaxy Quest and snoozed on the couch in the morning. Ran to Target and Costco with mom. Got some bras at Target. One fit AWESOME. Who the fuck knew my size was so so wrong?! Now I'm a much easier to find size, so yay for more bra shopping to come. Dying to get some actually sexy nice bras hopefully.
Worked on bridal shower stuff.
Cleaned out my car and added a quart of oil. Now that I'm not driving nowhere near as much as I used to, I'm not burning through oil. My car was a fuckin mess, lol.
Adorable kitty snoozing on the couch with my dad, lol.
Watching the VMAs all night. Pretty entertaining.
Not looking forward tomorrow. I just don't want to have tomorrow exist, tomorrow would have been one year together. And fuck it hurts that we didn't make it. And he probably doesn't even remember. Bastard.
Just want this week to be over already. Dreading dreading dreading.
Tiring day. Slept in a little bit. Farrah hadn't texted me back about brunch, so I waited. Finally heard at like 10:15. So I met up with her at Black Bear Diner. Her mom made her bring her younger sister along so that was annoying,
My Farrah :)
Went to the mall. Got some new perfumes at Bath & Body Works. I want to get rid of like 90% of my perfumes. Prolly only keeping the Marc Jacobs Daisy and this one I got in Oregon at the Shakespeare festival years ago. So I got a few new small ones for a fresh start.
Went home. Mom and I headed out to Hobby Lobby to return some stuff. Stopped at Shari's and got Dad an apple pie, and also a S'mores pie! We went to the huge mall out in Pleasanton. Oh man I spent so much money. Found boots at Lane Bryant that I'm not sure of, but I'll try em.
Tried a bunch of places cuz I need a strapless bra for heather's wedding. So bra fittings are always amusing cuz my size is retarded. I'm one of the rare fat girls who didn't get boobs. But.... I found bras! And according to the amazing lady at Nordstroms I am wearing a hugely wrong size. Though I still don't quite believe her. The strapless bra I got that fit pretty well was a fuckin 38DD. MY BOOBS ARE NOT A 38DD but that's the bra that fit. I am still baffled. I don't know how an actual DD coulda fit into that bra. But whatever. Gotta check that it works with the dress. Got a second one to try for a more normal bra. Fits great but since it fits well, it means I look way flatter chested. Since typically I've been wearing bras where the cups were too big, cuz that was the band size that fit. It's ridiculous. Bras are stupid.
Got two new Smashbox eyeliners to try. A brown and a purple-ish one.
It was a hard day. I didn't eat much all day and just was really sad and depressed. It sucks. It really does suck. My anxiety isn't good.
I want to watch the new Dr Who but it's sad watching it alone. I woulda been watching with him. I don't want to watch it sitting alone in my room. That's sad. Im tired of being so sad all the time. I just keep crying.
But the s'mores pie was heavenly. #eatingmyfeelings
Going to finish watching a show on raccoons with the parents and then go to sleep.
Adrienne invited me to an Oakland As game with her and Scott and their families, who I love.
I got all dolled up. Lots of make up and As colors!
Scott's mom got a suite for everyone. It was amazing! Free food! Our own bathroom! It was an absolute blast. And we won 5-3 against the Angels. Good game!!!
Definitely glad I went!
Took my Zzzquil, hoping that helps. It didn't work last night. I need something stronger so I may look tomorrow at the store for something else. But I'm not sure what I'll find that isn't in pill form. Any ideas? I need something to help me fall asleep but lately I just need it to keep me asleep. I've been waking up like 4-5 times a night. Sometimes to pee, sometimes cuz Smee is loud. Sometimes for no reason. Ugh. I need help.
Having a somewhat sexy but very sweet dream about my exboyfriends cute roommate was not how I wanted to wake up today. Put me in the most depressed mood. I miss Dane. Such a sweet guy. Slept horribly cuz I broke down last night before bed. Anxiety so bad. I even took Zzzquil last night and it didn't work. I'll try it again tonight because I really need a good nights sleep and I'm just not able to get it anymore. I wake up like four or five times a night. It's horrible.
Just wanted to write that down. Stupid dreams. Foul mood today. Baseball game tonight but don't really want to go. Anxiety is back with a vengeance :(
Dreading finishing my work project. My left hand is super sore from the damn stamping I had to do all day. and all tomorrow. And all Monday probably. But that's okay. I'd rather do all this tedious work than sit at my desk alone for 8 hours. I need to find something online that is engaging and holds my attention while I'm bored. Any suggestions?
Cleaned the bathrooms tonight. Showered. Finally redid my toenails and fingernails. I hadn't done them since before the breakup. I removed my chipped finger nail polish a few days after the breakup cuz it made me think of him. Did my nails and toes to match which is rare.
Purple with one gold nail. The purple is prettier in person. And I didn't clean them up yet so they're kinda sloppy.
Mom and Dad got invited by moms cousin to go up and stay with them in Washington. I'm trying to talk my way into it. They'll prolly go for a week or so, and I'll go at least for a long weekend. I miss Washington. And that side of the family. And I can pay for my own ticket so it's not like it's an expense for me to go along. Really hope that works out soon. I need a relaxing vacation.
This upcoming weekend was supposed to be our one year anniversary Monterey vacation. Makes me so sad we didn't get to do that. Monday would have been one year. What a fucking waste. How pathetic is he that he wasn't willing to work things out?! Stupid asshole. I'm so mad at him, but I still miss him and our life. Last night was really hard. Today was kind of hard too. Just sad. I wish he would have been willing to make this work. Make us work. But he's a selfish ass hat. Unbelievably selfish. Which is the opposite of me. I'm one of the most selfless people you'll ever meet. That's not just stroking my own ego (though partially it is, cuz fuck it, this is my journal, I'll stroke whatever I want). It's such an integral part of my personality to want to please people and make them happy and do whatever it takes to make them feel special or happy. I just wish I could find someone who was better at that. Just closer. I don't expect much. I just need some give. Every guy I love is all about the take. Take take take. And when they did give, it was so minute in the scheme of things. Or they thought it was a huge sacrifice and it was really not a big deal. I just want someone who wants me as much as I want them, I don't think I will ever find that.
I don't know anymore.
So I'll eat chocolate ice cream and raspberries till I figure it out.
It's been four weeks exactly. That's really tough. Makes me so sad.
Played with the cats tonight.
He's so fat! But omg he went nutso, it was so cute.
I hope I don't wake up a lot again. I woke up like 3 times last night. So annoying. I just want to sleep.
time to get ready and crawl into bed. I just wish I could fast forward like 3 months. I'm tired of feeling morose and sad all the time. I can't believe it's been 4 weeks. That's so long but feels like it was just a few days ago. It hurts. It really does.
Work fine. Spent the whole evening relaxing in the living room with mom and deed, just chatting. That was so nice. Made spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner.
Smee likes to flop in the kitchen when people are cooking. Basically, he likes being in the way as much as felinely possible.
A nice night.
Also, I looked damn good today.
I love the print on this dress. It's all classic American tattoo flash. And the dress (and bra from heaven) make my boobs look deceptively big. The dress is super flattering, and I don't usually wear red, but this dress is amazing.
Adrienne invited me me to an As game on Friday with her and her fiancé and their families. That'll be super fun! Lolz if I ran into Jimmy's friends there, the ones I thought always didn't like me. They have As season tickets. Chances are slim but that would be amusing. I'd be lovely and nice and happy and friendly. I miss all his friends, really. I miss him. We haven't talked in like three weeks. It's really weird. It's still a compulsion for me to want to tell him things. Mostly just little silly things that aren't a big deal. But I just can't open that door right now. I don't know if ever. I guess maybe some day I would like to be able to talk to him even if it is just superficial silly stuff. But I just don't want it to hurt more than it's worth. That's a hard balance to find. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go there. I'm just too angry at him for being a stupid pathetic immature manchild that broke my heart. Ugh.
I wanna work on sorting some of the stuff in my room tomorrow. I really need to sort my drawers. Organizing and getting rid of stuff always feels so good and positive.
A little note to my lovely friend speaksoftlylove who is dealing with a lot of hard stuff right now. You're in my thoughts girl. Send some good vibes/thoughts/prayers her way if you can. <3
Monday. Joy. Slept pretty well first night in the new bed. Didn't want to get up this morning. Work was fine. Ro makes me laugh. And he and Kaji have so much fun razzing each other. They crack me up. We did two interviews today. One was horrible and one was excellent. Loved her. Really hope she works out.
Came me home, reorganized my room. It looks awesome. Just gotta tidy up and reorganize stuff.
Gotta love an organized bedside table.
Mom and Dad got Hawaiian BBQ for dinner. One of my faves. YUM. Watched tv. Cleaned up my room a bit more since Deed (my mom's best friend since forever and basically my aunt, her real name is Deanne but we all call her Deed) is coming over tomorrow night. So I wanted my room lookin half decent. Once I get it all finished up, I'll take pics. It's pretty Disney-rific, lol. I have a Pixar themed room. Super adulty XD
I miss having a boyfriend and a sex life. Makes me really sad. I get through the day fine and then night comes and I have down time alone and I'm just sad. Being alone really sucks. I don't like it. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get over this and feel like trying it date again. Like, I'm doing leaps and bounds better. I miss him, but I'm okay with it now. Like, it's been almost four weeks. I don't cry every day. Even when I do, it's not like horrible whole body sods. A few tears and sadness. But it's fine. He wasn't right. He wasn't it. But I don't know when, if ever, I will not love him or want him still. i don't know how to try to date or even just talk to guys with those feelings still there. i don't know how to date anyway. I've never dated. Serial monogamist I guess. Jimmy was the first guy I dated and we pretty much got to two dates and it was a relationship and I was head over heels. So I really don't know how to date. That scares me. I don't want to date. I like being in a relationship. That's the part I'm good at. I'll be horrible at dating.
"When I'm gone, when I'm gone, you're gunna miss me when I'm gone, you're gunna miss me by my hair, you're gunna miss me everywhere, oh you're gunna miss me when I'm gone."
I hope he does miss me. He may not now, but I hope some day he looks back and thinks "damn I really screwed up a good thing". I don't think he will, but I hope so.
Goin to sleep with Pitch Perfect on. Had a cry and now it's time for sleep.
Slept till 9, which is the latest I have in ages. Weird thing, no one was up. My mom usually wakes up at like 6am, but everyone slept till 9:45. We moved the futon out of my room, at which point we discovered the frame was broken :( We saved the two mattress pads for Heather. Vacuumed my empty floor. Went to Costco and got me a bed. WOOOOOOO! Its lovely and super tall and comfy.
Smee likes it. And yes, I have a Pixar room. I swear I'm 26, lol. Whatevs.
Got my bed all made. Still haven't found a new comforter but this one will work for now.
Helped my sort and organize all the stuff we had to donate in the garage. So that was helpful. They took it to the thrift store. Then dad and I took the futon pads to Heathers. Her little dog tried to come home with us. He's so damn cute :)
omg my bed is so comfy
Mom and I made parmesan panko crusted chicken tonight. Hellllllla good. With tater tots and corn cuz we had some leftover. It was delicious!
Got out two loads of laundry done. Showered. Watched tv. Played on my jigsaw puzzle app.
I kind of have no life, and I'm kind of okay with it right now. I'm enjoying being at home. I had been gone so much when I was in a relationship, so it's nice being around now.
Also, sorry if my daily updates are pretty boring. But this daily thing has been helping a lot and giving me a little time to think about the good things in my day. So yeah, just bear with me.
Gunna finish up Perception then head to bed. xoxoxo
Holy crap long day. Also, figured out how to quickly share my pics from my phone to my iPad so now I can post pics more often :)
Woke up early. 9am Mom and I drove around to all the garage sales in our neighborhood. One was by a guy I knew in HS so that was weird. I woulda bought stuff but it was too weird. Bummer. Went over to Mtn View to dad's work, then got patio chairs at Orchard Supply. Went to Grandmas to deliver the chairs and get them cleaned and set up. Took a lot of pix.
Had lunch at Clarkes. Omnomnom!
Stopped at Therapy (cutest store ever) but they didn't have many of the bracelets I wear all the time. Just found 2 to add to my left wrist. So many errands. Target. Hobby Lobby (while I detest their politics, I enjoy their holiday stuff and prices). Another Target. Home. Talked to parents about the bed situation and IM GETTING A BED TOMORROW! We're gunna take the futon to Heathers in the morning, then clean up my room, then we'll go over to Costco and get the bed. Hope to fuck they still have them. So mom and I hopped back in the car and went to Kohls, Target, JCPenneys, and Home Store to look for bedding. Got a mattress cover and new pillow at Kohls for $20. Got a sheet set to Target for like $20. Couldn't find a comforter but the one I have will work for now until I can find a new one I like.
This happened on the cars satellite radio lol
Everything kept sounding slightly dirty lol
I bought everyone Arby's for dinner. Then we all watched the Avengers. I liked it more than the first time. Still not my favorite Marvel movie. Mom was so confused cuz she's basically not seen any Marvel movies. I forgot about the Thanos scene after the movie. Yay Guardians tie in! Mom and I are gunna go see Guardians in 3D this week. So excited to see it again! The besttttt! And I gotta buy the Thor and Capt America movies so we can watch them. Those are my fave. Winter Soldier needs to come out soon! So buying that ASAP.
Today felt pretty normal. A few moments of sadness, and mom and I talked about Jimmy and our relationship and how it didn't work. Which was good. But hard. Yeah, maybe we weren't right for each other, but every fiber of my being still misses him every day. All through the day, stuff was reminding me of him or something I'd want to show him or ya know. It's sad to not be able to. I miss that :(
Tomorrow is gunna be tiring too. Gotta help work on the garage in the morning. I really hope we can get me a bed. God that'll be so nice. I'll sleep like a damn baby. I may take Zzzquil just so I can sleep easier, lol. I'm doing okay without it but my mind tends to run when I'm falling asleep and make me sad. That's hard.
I'll fall asleep easy tonight. I'm fuckin exhausted.
OMFG so tired today. I had a big refreshing glass of ice water before bed last night (I'm an idiot), and I seriously woke up 6 times throughout the night. Half of the time to pee but otherwise to just toss and turn. I sleep so horribly all the time :x Work was work. Fine as usual. Glad I've joined the group in the breakroom for 10am break and lunch. They're frigin weird and I normally wouldn't hang out with them, but it's that or sit alone, and I don't want to do that anymore. It's good for me to be social.
Stopped at Target after work to grab a new bulletin board and a planner. I want to put up a bulletin board in my room for all the little things that make me happy. Kind of a Dream Board, but just kind of a happy memories thing. Like my Project Life book would have been. But I can't and don't want to do that anymore. So I thought a bulletin board would be nice. I have to move around some of the stuff on my walls. Once I get my room straightened, I'll take pictures. I love my room. Generally.
Ran to Costco with mom. So much traffic because of the first Raiders game of the season, we assume. Ew. Checked out mattresses, and they have one that's on sale for $479 for a queen. That would work. It's not as cushy as I would pick, but it's Cushion Firm, and it's what they have, so it'll have to do. Hopefully this week we can go get it. Heather is going to take the futon I think. IDK. Mom is being all weird about it. Just let Heather have the futon so I can have a damn bed and get some rest. I miss bed. And sleep. I don't know if different Costcos would have different mattresses in store. Ours just had 1 queen mattress, so that's kind of crappy to only be able to test out one bed. Maybe tomorrow I can get mom to run to Mancini's Sleepworld with me. So then I can try some beds there and compare prices, though I know nothing will beat $479. Such a damn good price. Like $500 for a bed, boxspring, and bed frame. Score! And I'll get to buy a new comforter set. So excited. I hope we can figure it out and get me a new bed asap. I washed my sheets and pillow cases tonight. Flipped my comforter over. Excited to get in my fresh snuggly sheets tonight. Nothing like fresh sheets. Dad helped me push my futon against the wall, since I no longer need a little aisle on the far side for Jimmy when he would come hang out. Might as well push it against the wall so I can have some more floor space and so the comforter isn't always an insane tangled mess in the morning. I can't deal with messy wadded up comforters.
I made tortellini for dinner. It was boring.
I'm so damned tired. Crashing already.
Mom has Moonstruck on. It's sappy. Makes me sad. Romantic movies just make me sad now. He kissed her hand at the opera. Made me think "Jimmy is never gunna kiss my hand while we're driving in the car and holding hands like we always would." He would randomly just lift my hand up and kiss it gently. Sweetest little thing. I miss that. I'm going to miss that for a very long time. So sad.
I just want a bed and to sleep for a month. *sigh*
Normal day. Work was fine. Productive. Almost done with my printing project, then onto sorting and organizing stuff with Ro. He's a cutie pie. He's new and 18 and very very cute and friendly. He's like that perfect combo and nerdy but cool. Wearing my "Looking for love in Alderaan places" tshirt tomorrow ;)
Mom has declared Thursday chores night so I cleaned the bathroom when I got home. Felt so gross and sweaty so I took a shower. Shaved my legs like completely for the first time in over 3 weeks.
Yay legs. It's been hot lately so I need be not lazy. I've just been doing to Capri Shave that us lazy ladies do. Just shaving the bottom part that might show, lol. It is kind of nice to not have to stay constantly 100% groomed. Cuz fuck all that business. I am way too lazy to keep that up all the time. Definitely don't miss that. Mom and I made super good burgers for dinner. Cats were adorable.
Omfg huge pictures. Whatever.
Feelin okay today. No crying. Sad, but frustrated. I am transitioning to the "angry" phase of the grieving process. He's a fucking idiot. What a loser. He can be a stupid fucking manchild if he wants. I hope he's miserable and lonely. I mean, I don't really, but would it kinda make me happy if he was? Hell fuckin yes. He's a moron and that's what he deserves.
Kinda wish I could go to LA and see Jack. But I'd probably do something stupid like sleep with him. We're both lonely and miss each other, and we're both such physical people that yeah something dumb would happen given the opportunity. And that might actually be fine. There's no romantic feelings there whatsoever. I adore him but OMG worst match ever. And the sex sucked and I doubt that would have improved in the last year, but it would still go their lol. I miss sex. I'm too depressed to do anything about it, but it miss it.
I want a Chandler. I fall asleep with Friends on every night and man, I wish I could find a Chandler to my Monica. They were kind of similar to me and Jim but he wasn't willing to grow the fuck up like Chandler decides to. Sad. Hopefully someday I'll find my Chandler.
Didn't do much today. Fine day at work. Rose brought donuts, yay! Mom and I ran errands after work. Got a bunch of stuff for the bridal shower so that was productive. I stocked up on my orange toothpaste (I hate mint so I use a citrus one lol).
Tonight is 3 weeks since we broke up. 2 since we talked (I think). It really is sad. He was my best friend for 11 months and now he's gone forever. Really really sad. But it wasn't meant to be and I have to learn to be strong on my own. And I'm trying really damn hard. But it's lonely and I miss him and having a boyfriend. Being happy. It's sad. I don't like being alone. My anxiety over not being able to be alone is significantly better this week, which I forgot to mention to Annie. So that's a good step in the right direction. But I'm still very sad to have lost him. I was way too good to him. I hate that I was so nice to him, but I wouldn't do it any differently. That's just who I am. I am going to always be overly nice and thoughtful and accommodating and like being that way. I just wish I could find someone who was more reciprocal, or to whom it meant more. Hopefully some day.
Tomorrow, more of the same. Hoping Mom can help me work on my room tomorrow night. It's kind of a fucking disaster. And I gotta run to Target to return a dress and hopefully find some sweaters for which I have a discount on the cartwheel app. Woot!
Time to curl up and try to sleep. I've been sleeping with my spare pillows on the edge of the bed so I can put my knee/leg on them, and that seems to help me sleep a bit. Fuck do I just want a new bed though. Soft cushy mattress...mmmmm.....
OMG fuck the new lj app for iPad/iPhone, it's horrible. Makes it nearly impossible to use. Ugh.
Work was good. Saw Annie. She was really happy and proud of me. I'm feeling better. It's still hard and sad and I struggle sometimes but it's becoming easier every day and I'm making the steps to work on my life. So that's good. We're gunna skip next week, so I'll see her in two weeks and that'll be the last visit with her since she's leaving he residency here, I can find someone else if I want to. Which I don't know what I'll do. I'll figure it out in two weeks when I see her again and see what she thinks.
Stopped over to Heathers. Enjoyed some snuggles wih her little dog Andy. Then mom and I ran to walmart. I bought a binder for school. I registered for my class. Paid for college myself, lol. $167.
Watching the 20/20 special on Robin Williams. Just crying on and off. I broke down last night. I will miss him. So very much. Ah crap, Gary Marshall is crying. I'm gone again. Funniest man in history. Never again will the world see comedy like him.
Off to bed. I'm dying to get a new bed. Well, an actual bed since I'm on a futon. Hopefully my mom can figure out something to do with the futon so I can just buy a bed, I need something comfortable so I can learn to sleep better again. I miss sleeping in. I haven't for like a year. It sucks. I miss sleep.
Work was good. The first work day that felt normal since. People didn't recognize me cuz I wore my hair down today, lol. I never wear my hair down. But it was all nice from the salon so I left it down.
Had a dental cleaning after work. I had admittedly been slacking with flossing so that sucked. I have to get an electric toothbrush, but omg $90. Stopped at Target. They didn't have the phone case I wanted. But I found a sweater with black cats on it, so yay!
I talked to my ex Jack on the drive home. I am so glad I have him. We had a tumultuous hard relationship, but we had a good run for five years. We weren't meant for each other, but still love each other very deeply, I miss him. He was a good friend, though not a great boyfriend. It was good to catch up with him. He's so open and honest and caring. He's my biggest fan, and that's really sweet. He appreciates everything I did for him, and everything that makes me who I am. I need to find someone like that. I wish we could have made it work, but we just aren't meant for each other. Talking to him today, I could tell how much he wished we could have made it work. And there's stuff that might have made that possible, but he couldn't do them. So I chose to move on. I am so glad he's still in my life though. I love him so much. I haven't seen him in over a year. Hopefully I'll get to at some point. He lives in Southern California though. It would be really great to see him again. I miss his hugs. Except now he's 100 pounds smaller than I last saw him so that would be super weird. So so weird. But he's still my Jack.
Came home, showered, had Cheerios for dinner. Did my side work for the week. Watching tv. Pretty tired. My mouth is still sore, ugh.
I have my appt with Annie my therapist tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I'm still sad a lot, but it's kind of getting easier. It comes and goes. Hope it continues getting easier.
Today was pretty good. Rocky morning of waking up super early at like 7:30ish for no damn reason. Didn't eat much of a breakfast. My tastes have just changed a lot recently and I don't want my usual breakfast. Mom and Dad were working on the garage then came in and wanted me to work on my closet and stuff. We sorted some stuff, and then cleared out the stuff in the top of my closet. Had to deal with some stuff that reminded me of him and found a box of extra photos which my mom just quietly took away. It was sad, but good to get my room cleaned up. I had been neglected it since the breakup. Which is unusual for me. I'm super neat typically. Dad is going to build an extra shelf for the top of my closet so I can have my stuff stored more practically. That was all good, but sad. But glad I did it and got it all straightened up a bit.
Mom, Dad, and Bro and I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy with mom's friends Nancy and Jeff. OMFG THAT MOVIE. Like, come the fuck on. SO GOOD. Way up there with Star Wars. I'm dying to see it again. And again. And again. Cuz Chris Pratt. Like. I can't even. Pelvic sorcery. Yes, please.
Went to Costco and Target. I got new phone cases, but can't decide which to keep. I'm gunna check other Targets for other colors/designs. Got some muffins at Costco to take for breakfasts at work. Their muffins are the bestttttt. So delish. I could live off of those.
Watched some TV tonight. Big Brother and Next Food Network Star (yay Lenny). Now we're watching a show about a guy who befriended a herd of mule deer. It's frigin fascinating as hell. #naturenerd OMG baby deer leaping and frolicking. Cutest thing in the damn universe.
Oh yeah! News! I'm gunna take a college class! Well, hopefully. I applied again, and emailed the professor for her recommendation of whether I take it Pass/NoPass or as an audit. Cuz I don't give a fuck about grades and doing the work, lol. But I love taking classes. I've been missing that. Especially the social aspect of being at school. I was looking at courses and told my mom the one I was interested in. Anthropology 106: Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion. And she goes "Uh, I think your brother is taking that" so we asked, and he is! So I would take it with my little brother, LOL. Which would be PERFECT so I wouldn't have to buy a parking pass and would just go with him every week. It's Thursday nights like 6-9pm. Which is fine. So I hope that works out. That'd be fun. It starts in 2 weeks, so yikes! But since I don't really need to buy the book or anything, it works out great. Hopefully I can get that shit figured out this week. It would be nice to have something to do one night a week that's out and social and interesting. And I like doing stuff with my brother. He's awesome. Plus, we have different last names, so no one will even know we're related, LOL. (My mom kept her maiden name when she got married cuz she's a crazy feminist, so I got her last name and my brother got my dad's last name) I'm always down to do stuff with my brother.
Gunna go finish this show on mule deer and head to bed. Gunna try to go without the Zzzquil again. I have work then the dentist tomorrow. I have to leave work an hour early, oh joy. And I'm sure the dentist will bitch at me, cuz I'm not as good as I should be. But whatevs. I'll deal.
Had an okay day. Work was good. I like the project I'm working on cuz it means I'm not sitting alone at my desk in the lobby (I sit at the receptionist desk, cuz that's part of my duties as office administrator, and I now hate sitting there alone all day). I'm working in the computer dept, and I like the 2 people in there and others are always in and out. It's been nice. I have a few days left of that project then back to lobby hell. Ran errands with mom after work. Had a bunch of returns, took some books to Half Price Books (ugh they're so cheap, huge stack $13), got some stuff at Target (hot dog/burger and eggs/bacon socks, super cute dress I'll wear tomorrow, candy for my bowl at work, some frozen meals for work lunch, and some socks that look like a beer mug for my dad). Had leftovers for dinner and some cantaloupe. Took a shower. I hate showers. I have since I was little. It's boring and tedious and makes my anxiety bad having to be shut in a little room by myself for like 15+ minutes. And now it's even worse. So I have to like force myself really hard to do it. I had to wash my hair since I have my hair appointment tomorrow. Mom and I will be leaving at like 8am to head up to Rocklin (about 2.5 hrs away). Excited to see my aunt and cousin. I adore them. My cousin is a hair dresser. She's amazing. Back to dark dark brown, and adding some blonde stripes next to my teal/green streaks. I'll post pics. Or follow me on Instagram: lesliek33. I'm excited to see my family (well, they're not technically related, but it's my moms best friend since they were like 8, so we just call them my aunt n cousins cuz that's way easier and completely what it feels like, I love them to death). It'll be hard to talk about the break up but I know they'll be so great and supportive. And a relative of theirs just had a disastrous wedding so hopefully we talk mostly about that. Dying to hear about it. Apparently the officiant screwed up the vows, accidentally wished them "lots of sex" instead of "success", and then the sprinklers came on and soaked every single person. What a fucking clusterfuck. I'm so glad I don't want a big wedding like that. Just small and simple and private. Hopefully. Someday.
Gunna lay down so my Zzquil can do its thing. Falling asleep with Friends on the tv again. That's my new nightly routine.
I like that I've been trying to post every night. Even if it's small and really nothing new. I want to work on updating a lot, and starting to make more thoughtful entries. I've been using my iPad mostly, but I gotta use my laptop sometimes. I type petty damn fast on this already but I'd be way faster on my laptop. For having to hunt and peck type on this, I'm still pretty damn fast :)
Goodnight my lovely friends. I so appreciate having all of you. You're so supportive and it means a lot to me. I gotta post a little like "get to know you" thing, cuz I don't even know some of your names. Plus I have a bad memory so then I'd have It saved to remind myself, lol. I'll try to do that Sunday. Someone remind me, lol.
I'm sad. I miss sex. Two weeks. I haven't gone this long without sex in like a year basically. I miss it. I didn't know good sex until him. I don't know if I'll ever find someone I was that compatible with. I miss that. I'm sad tonight. But trying not to let it overtake me. I had a fine work day, and I talked to my best friend who lives in Boston for over two hours. I miss her desperately. I think I'm gunna go visit her in Boston sometime soon. I've never been to the east coast. That could be cool.
I miss being in a relationship, and affection, and being happy, and having something to look forward to. I've basically been in a relationship for 6 years straight. I was with Jack for 5 years then a month after that I met Jimmy. I don't know how to not be in a relationship. It's so depressing. I don't want to be alone. I don't like being alone. I'm going to have a hard night, I can tell. I tried to sleep without Zzquil last night cuz I was actually okay, and it didn't work, I laid in bed for an hour and then at like 12:30 gave up and went and had a little sip of Zzquil to put me to sleep. Slept like shit all night, I kept waking up. Woke up like 15 mins before my alarm was set to go off. UGH. I miss sleeping well. I haven't in months, like 5 months. More than that. It's horrible. I barely sleep like 5 hours a night. And it's not restful sleep. It just sucks. I wish I could be put in a coma for a month. I don't want to think or feel or be awake.
Had a good night. Fought the urge to cancel, but glad I didn't.
Went to Farrah's house. She's got the house to herself all week. We sat on her back porch. With 5 pints of Ben and Jerry's. No, we did not eat them all, lol. Bitched about men. I cried a little but it was okay. We both bitched and complained and talked about what we wanted from life. Laughed. Decided we'll be crazy cat ladies and name all our cats after famous hot guys. Ima have Joe Meowgniello and she'll have Robert Meowy Jr.
Drove home with the windows down. Actually turned on music for the first time in two weeks. It's been two weeks tonight since we broke up. A week since we talked. Sang along with Katy Perry and Lana Del Rey and Iggy Azalea. It was nice. Now I'm watching tv with my parents.
So I've been seeing a therapist. She's really nice. Like my age, lol. Do I think it's helping or making a difference? Not really. But I like her and she's supportive and nice and encouraging. It's good to hear all the things everyone else is telling me from someone who is impartial. So I'm gunna keep going every week.
This week I'm supposed to work on finding a volunteer position to fill as much of my time as possible. And work on being alone. Which I'm really struggling with. I can barely stand to take a shower. Cuz it means i have to be shut alone in a tiny room. It sucks. I just cry and cry and cry. Every morning before work, I start crying when I have to leave the house and my mom gives me a hug.
Still taking my Zzquil every night. I haven't tried to not take it yet. But I'm fine continuing it for as long as I want. It helps me fall asleep and that's what I need. I don't want to think at night.
I just want to start feeling sane. Like I'm not losing out on everything. I miss happiness.
I now take it every night. Puts me to sleep. So I don't have to lay in bed thinking for god knows how long. Crying.
Stay up the 20 mins or so it takes to set in with my parents while they get ready for bed. I'm sure they're sick of me hanging around. But I don't want to sit alone in my room. I can't even stand to have the door closed anymore. I sleep with it cracked open. I can't be closed in alone. Can't handle being alone hardly at all right now.
I had Jimmy give the box of all my stuff to a mutual friend.
I got the box this morning. Autumn and Kyle brought it out to me. Kyle helped me put it in the trunk then held me when I started to cry. Nuzzled my head. Told me it would be okay. Autumn said that I would be better off without Jimmy.
Spent the day with Vanessa. Who I met through Jimmy. She's really nice. She let me talk and bitch and cry a little. Was so understanding and encouraging. She's really nice. Relaxing to spend time just hanging out with her all day.
I admitted to Vanessa when we were talking about Autumn and Kyle's weird relationship that I think he and I would be well suited for each other. We would. I don't wish them to break up, but if they did, I would make a move on him. He has a lot of qualities that I want. And he's tall and blonde and has great hair. And gives amazing hugs. And is a very good boyfriend. Yeah, I've always had feelings for him. I guess I don't feel as bad about it now. Still do a bit.
It was sad getting that box back. I brought it in my room and unpacked it as quickly as possible and put the box with the recycling in the garage. It was really sad. I didn't cry. But I will soon. I need a hug. I know I'll cry a lot tonight. Getting that stuff back was a hard kind of last step in ending the relationship. So sad.
I'm having a hard time focusing. My mind races. And all I can think of is how sad this all is. Losing that dream that I had had for over 6 months. The dream I thought about every day. Thinking he was it for me. Him telling me he loved me throughout the day. Spending time with him, around him, being near him. It's gone. Ripped away. Gone.
And that's all I can think about.
I don't want to. But it's all I can think about. My job is horrible and not distracting. All I do is make copies, answer the phones, and do data entry. All alone in the lobby. It's horrible. I need to be on my feet, doing anything, around people. I'm going to start looking for a new job. I need something more. Something more challenging. I love my workplace but I'm not being challenged at all. I know that I am a huge help to them, but it's just not working. I was bored, and now it's literally painful to sit there for 8 hours a day.
Not that being home is much better. But atleast I have my parents. My mom just hugs me and talks to me and tells me it'll be okay. And that helps for a bit. But then all the sadness sinks back in.
I know that EVENTUALLY it will start to feel better, I'll move on, maybe start dating, finding a future. But it really does feel hopeless. I'm trying not to think like that but my god this hurts so badly. It's been a week today. Minus a few hours. It's been a week and I'm still as upset and hurt and can't stop crying. I just keep crying and crying and crying. It's endless. And I can't help it.